The Outside Blogger

Ooooh, I am blogging OUTSIDE, from within a CAFE, using WIFI. It doesn't get any more techo-advanced than that! I do realise that I am about 5 years behind everyone else, but one makes progress at their own pace (in my case, that of a snail).

So here I am, in the cafe, with my laptop (plus internet connection - note smug expression on face) and an iced decaff americano, feeling very clever indeed. There IS life outside my front room. Mummies talking whilst ignored children hurl sandwiches at each other, local business folk deep in concentration, looking very self-important whilst fiddling with their crackberries, the lone reader immersed in his Sci Fi novel and finally, me (hopefully passing off that I am a hardened WIFI cafe pro - no one need know that it took me 20 mins to get a connection...).

I have to admit that I didn't exactly leave the house willingly this morning - I was in fact evicted, due to the noise levels coming from the big strong boys tearing down my living room walls and ripping up my kitchen flooring (due to water damage, read previous blog entry). Have left Mr H to work at home alone and deal with the noise/burly workmen. After all, it's because of him that we're in this ruddy mess in the first place.

Hmm, am finding it hard to concentrate with coffee machines whirring, babies crying and the general background hum. There is something quite relaxing and easy about pottering around at home and loving the sound of my own silence. Not sure how long I'm going to last as an Outside Blogger. Oh feckers, some little kid has just lobbed a sandwich at me...over and out.

Freedom Of Blogs - Mrs C, I Support You

Something has got my goat today. The Freedom of Blogs. Or Lack Of. My friend, Mrs C, seems to have landed herself into a spot of bother by passing casual comment on something (a subject which I understand is of little interest to her but apparently her words were enough to offend others). It doesn't matter what the subject matter is or who might have been offended by her blog. BUT the actual point of this rant, sorry, blog, is that Mrs C should be free to write exactly what's on her mind, without judgement. That's the whole point of The Blog. As long as we keep things slur-free and reasonably legal, I don't see what the problem is.

So, in support of Mrs C, who's clever literary gifts brighten up my week, here are a few of MY chosen current rants...and I don't apologise to anyone who might be offended...

1. Sophia from the Big Brother House. In choosing this subject, I am of course admitting to being a BB fan. More on that later. I want to punch walls when I see that poisonous pixie on my television screen. She makes me want to pull my teeth out. If I passed her on the street, I'd have to stop myself from gaffer taping her mouth so we can all be free of her nasty witchiness.

2. People who judge others for watching BB and other similar TV trash. Mr H, you are guilty of this crime. It doesn't matter that I went to university and in a past life managed to hold down a fairly good job. I like watching Reality TV. It makes me laugh. Obviously, it's not Question Time (which you feel you have to point out to me on a weekly basis...yawn) but I'm not watching it to be mentally stimulated. I'm watching it to (a) pass the time in the evening when I'm so tired my eyeballs ache and (b) make me feel a little bit smug and content about my 'normal' existence, so different from the weirdos that subject themselves to 24 hour surveillance and jungle creature cuisine, purely for my entertainment.

3. My nasty road-rage neighbour. Who shouted at me in front of my daughter and made me shake in my boots. Luckily, Mr H sorted him out in a very middle class kind of way. Apparently my description of said neighbour (tall, scary, shouty etc) confused Mr H when he was confronted with a short, skinny, very gay and very scare-free little man. But he did scare me and it wasn't my fault. Bloody men drivers.

4. Chickenpox. M is currently on day 5 of quarantine and I'm climbing the walls. Apart from the 4 hourly painful ritual of trying to apply calamine lotion to a very stroppy and unwilling patient, it's made me realise that without the interaction of other life-form, my world at home is incredibly boring. There are only so many hours of a Peppa Pig DVD that one person can consume. Next time I moan about having to go out just for a pint of milk, I will kick myself. Oh to be free right now.

5. My milk allergy. Imagine a world without cheese. And no, for the last time, it's not lactose intolerance. The former makes my lips/tongue swell and brings me out in hives which last for days. The latter, at worse, gives someone the shits. Enough said.

6. Bullies at work. I've experienced a couple myself and someone I know is going through a similar experience. It's hideous. To all you bullies out there...grow some proper bollocks and be thoroughly ashamed of yourselves.

7. My neighbour's tree. Cut it down please. Despite last weeks temperatures reaching a respectable 22 degrees, we experienced near-Artic conditions whilst bbq'ing, due to being overshadowed by the overgrown sprawling mess next door.

8. 2.4 children. When you get together with someone, people ask when you're getting married. When you get married, people ask when you're having children. When you have children, people ask when you're having more. As if life wasn't hard enough without having people constantly making you feel like you're underachieving at every stage. For the record, I'm not getting married and I'm not having any more children. At the moment.

9. Fat fighters. This morning I received a leaflet direct from my Weightwatchers leader. It came to my door. The reason being that I have skipped a few weigh and shame sessions and she wanted to reassure me that she was there for me. Obviously, if someone doesn't turn up to be weighed in public, it's because they have probably chucked the diet out of the window, put on weight and therefore don't want to be shamed. I don't need her reassurance. I need a tummy tuck. Oh, and some of that gaffer tape.

And finally...to reiterate my point above about Freedom Of Blogs...

10. People who interfere. Your opinion is rarely wanted or needed. So Back Off.

Now that felt good.